Fresh New Start

2011, the very first day I posted on this blog. That day I dedicated myself and this platform as an open journal about what I have learned through out my days. Tujuannya bukan untuk curhat (belaka), tapi untuk berbagi. Melalui blog ini, kamu bisa liat aku bertumbuh, bisa liat aku jatuh. And I have a confession to make.

Sejak aku masuk usia ke 20, aku mulai refleksi diri and start questioning myself. Like who I am, why am I living the way I am today, etc. I started looking at myself sebagai orang yang lemah, orang yang gampang dipermainkan, gampang diremehkan, gampang disalahmengerti, gampang di adu domba. Melihat hal ini semua, I decided to make a change in myself. I thought the only way to escape this paradox is by toughen myself. I need to be strong. I need to be strict. I need to be defensive. In this way, I thought it will protect me. It will make life easier, but no. It didn't. I started to experience so many problems in my spiritual, social, and physical life. I never again experience a true, long-period of joy. I never feel satisfied. I never again feel that deep intimacy I have experience years ago. Seeing this changes I thought this is just how life goes. It's getting tougher everyday, but I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed being harsh. I enjoyed being careless. I enjoyed being Ms. All-Independent-I-Dont-Need-Anyone-And-Anything. In the outside, it seems that I'm okay and I'm just having a change in my adulthood. But not all changes are good for you. Bukannya mengalah disaat disalahmengerti, justru membalasnya. Bukannya memberikan kasih disaat diadu domba, aku melawan. Bukannya mengampuni disaat dipermainkan, aku dendam,

I realized that I changed because I compromise. Tembok tinggi yang dulu aku liat sebagai tembok pelindung, sekarang aku liat sebagai tembok penghalang dan hal itu membuat aku gampang menerima pemikiran-pemikiran yang bukan dari Tuhan. I turn to be this up-and-down person yang gampang banget berubah nya. Kadang perhatian, kadang cuek. Kadang ramah, kadang jutek. Nothing's wrong with that, but that is just not me. Not the Emma that live her life to her fullest.

I started to remember the commitment that I made back in 2012. I promised myself to keep a sacred life until I'm 21. But now I realized the deeper meaning of my commitment. It's more that just a promise, more than just the number, but it's about the heart. Sikap hati yang ngomong sama Tuhan kalau "yes Tuhan aku mau dijaga 100% sama Tuhan sampai umur 21, aku lalu bisa bilang kalo ya, aku udah berjalan 21 tahun bersama Tuhan..dan akan terus berjalan sama Tuhan". 21 tahun bukan waktu yang sebentar untuk Tuhan bentuk, dan selama 21 tahun ini, all that I can say is that God is faithful. Tuhan setia banget nungguin Emma yang sempat ngelantur gak jelas, untuk balik lagi sama Tuhan. Do I regret of the time that I waste? Yes I do. Very much. And out of this regret, I'm utterly grateful that He has not move an inch from where He & and I have left. And throughout the days that I've been away, He is still using me as His vessel and still works in me. Dan juga melihat banyak nya orang-orang yang masih setia untuk jalan bersama Emma selama ini, despite how much I stab their hearts, I'm entirely grateful. I never deserve the life I have right now, and this truth pushes me to cherish them closest to my heart.

I learned that we should never lose that sense of wonder for the King. That a strong woman is someone who stay kind when this world do her wrong.

God is a forgiving and merciful being. He never close His doors for us, Dia gak pernah habis akal untuk ngingetin kita ke jalan yang benar, He's never tired of calling us home. And He never leave us defeated, So this is a fresh new start to end the journey. Here we go.