Don't Let Me Sleep Until September Ends

Life is full of ups and downs isn't? It's a fact atau mungkin takdir yang gak bisa kita hindari. Sehebat apapun kita, serohani apapun kita, sebaik apapun kita, pasti kita akan dan harus melewati fase melewati "the valley of shadow of death". For some people it's moment that can bring them down, but it's not for me. Some people questioned God for this moment of death, but not for me. Why did God actually allow us to go through it in the first place. Isn't God a good god? The One who never plans us a doomed future but the best future for each of us? Truth it, is it true. The reason why God allow us to experience failure or distress, is to bring us closer to Him.

Ibarat pacaran, God likes to do this thing like the push-and-pull thing. He let us fall to give Him a chance to carry us up. Just like fitness training, lifting weights help us to gain muscle. Going through difficult times help us to gain strength and hope in Him. Most of us allow ourselves to fall way low than we're supposed to be. We though that difficult times is God walking away from us. Difficult times can mean:
1. We are walking away from God
2. God is testing our faith
3. God is drawing near to us and the Devil didn't like what he saw, so he tried to separate us from Him.
4. God is going to show His glory to you (and the others around you)

Artinya apa? Artinya, every difficult times have a cause, but what will it leads us to depends on our response to it. Do we still hold on to Him, or to our own will? To some people 'September' is a difficult times and they don't want to be awake in it, but not to me. I want to be fully awake in my 'Septembers'. I want to be fully in it, so I could see how His hand works in my trials.We will experience ups and downs for sure, but not just any regular ups and downs. For all who believes in Him and living the way He lives will experience ups and downs, but they're still going up. It's not just a flat line, but a moving graphic. Every trials is in a different level, with different strength, and even a greater result.

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD uphold him with his hand. Psalm 37:24

Senja Selasa Akhir Maret

Aku bukan tipe orang yang suka sendiri, namun terkadang aku suka menyendiri.
Aku suka mengambil laptop ku dan sekedar mengunduh lagu-lagu masa lalu yang mengingatkanku pada momen-momen tertentu.
Aku suka membiarkan imajinasi ku berkelana ke tempat-tempat yang sulit kuraih.
Tempat dimana hanya angan, memori, dan kata-kata tertunda yang ada disana.
Itu caraku membersihkan pikiran ku, yaitu dengan menyendiri.

Aku suka sejenak menghindari keributan ponselku, petualangan seru di novel yang baru kubeli, ribuan gambar menarik di home Tumblr, memasang earphone dan lagu yang pertama kali diputar, lalu merenung.
Merenungi setiap hal yang telah tersimpan di data base otakku. Menayangkan kembali reka ulang kejadian, memberhentikannya sejenak, dan berpikir..mengapa?
Mengapa aku mengatakannya?
Mengapa itu terjadi?
Mengapa dia berkata demikian?
Mengapa aku tidak melakukannya, dan lain-lain.

Banyak yang bilang aku delusional. Banyak yang bilang aku terlalu imajinatif. Aku hanya mengulang kembali, dan meng-crosscheck kejadian-kejadian tersebut. Prinsipku, I have to finish what I've started. Prinsip ini muncul setelah aku baru sadar, banyak hal yang telah kutinggal setengah jalan lalu berantakan begitu saja. Apa yang telah terjadi hari itu, harus ku selesaikan dengan baik. Bila aku berantem, aku harus selesaikan dengan berdamai. Bila aku disakiti, aku harus selesaikan dengan mengampuni. Bila aku memulai sesuatu, aku pun juga harus mengakhirinya dengan rapih. Itu bertanggung jawab, itu yang namanya setia, dan aku sedang belajar melakukannya. 

Biasa nya hal ini ku lakukan di malam hari. Beberapa saat sebelum aku tidur.
Atau bisa kulakukan saat aku sedang nge-gym, mengambil posisi menghadap ke jalanan, lalu berpikir. 
Sambil berpikir ini, aku suka sambil mendengarkan lagu. Hal yang pertama kudengan dari sebuah lagu adalah lirik, artinya, lalu suaranya, lalu musiknya, lalu baru kemudian cerita dibalik lagu tersebut. Aku suka mengaitkan lagu dengan momen-momen yang aku pikirkan ini, agar bisa mengungkapkan hal-hal yang tidak bisa ku utarakan.

Setiap orang punya cara nya sendiri untuk menghilangkan penat atau sekedar menyendiri. Ini cara ku. Disaat aku tidak bisa travelling, pikiranku lah yang berkelana. Berjalan-jalan menyelusuri jalanan yang membawa ku kepada tujuan yang menjawab semua rasa penasaran ku. Bila aku sedang berpikir tentang orang yang menyakiti ku maka, dengan si peta penuntunku, aku berkelana menyulusuri my memory lane until I found what I've been looking for, pengampunan..dan kasih.

Banyak orang yang menyalahgunakan imajinasi dan pikiran. Membiarkannya terkontaminasi dengan hal-hal busuk yang membawa nya jatuh ke jurang kebingungan. Imajinasi dan pikiran tidak seharusnya membawa mu ke tempat-tempat menyesatkan yang sementara. Imajinasi dan pikiran seharusnya menjadi si tombol enhance yang membantu mu mengerti tentang apa yang seharusnya kamu perbuat. 

Aku sering melakukannya untuk membersihkan memori-memori buruk dipikiranku. Memori yang hanya membuka luka lama yang telah lama pulih. Aku biasanya menyendiri untuk memulai sesuatu yang baru. Aku suka bercengkramah dengan si Penolong didalamku dan menyelesaikan apa yang sudah ku mulai. I like to getaway to start afresh. Aku suka menyendiri untuk merasakan the feeling of being present. Menyadarkan diri atas setiap detakan jantuk, hembusan nafas, dan kedipan mata. Yang kemudian menyadarkan ku bahwa, pikiran-pikiran buruk tersebut tak ada artinya dibanding apa yang aku rasakan dalam keheningan ini. Pikiran dan masalah ku seakan hilang begitu saja. Seperti melepaskan tas yang sangat berat. Jaket tebal yang sangat panas. Kunciran rambut yang sangat kencang. Semua itu menghasilkan satu kata..lega. 

Terkadang pikiran-pikiran yang sedang kuhapus itu seakan memanggilku untuk menyimpannya. Membuat ku seolah-olah berpikir bahwa itu lah hal 'indah' terakhir yang akan ku lihat. Namun dengan berhenti sejenak, dan merasakan hidup, ku mulai melepaskannya. Seperti melepaskan gandengan tangan yang sudah kugenggam erat sekian lama. Ringan. Seperti buku catatan yang penuh dengan tulisan. Saat kertas kosong tersebut penuh terisi, kita harus membuka lembaran yang baru. Bersih, untuk ditulis kembali. Seperti buku novel, membuka bab yang baru. Kita tidak tahu apa yang akan kita baca kedepannya, namun bila kita tidak memulai untuk membaca, we will never know. 

Ini caraku memulai sesuatu yang baru. Dengan berdiam, berpikir, dan melepaskan.

Kalau kamu?

The sky is blue,Dreamed that lie 'til it's true,Then takin' back the punch I threw,My arms turn wings,Oh, those clumsy thingsSend me up to that wonderful worldAnd then I'm up with the birds.

Up With The Birds - Coldplay 

Through The Season

It is spring again! I've always loved spring even though I never experience one (Jakarta only has 2 weather, rain and summer. Boo!). Spring selalu identik dengan bright colors, blooming flowers, blue sky, udara sejuk. Aku suka spring karena in the fashion side, everyone look so colorful. Everyday look so bright and pretty. Tapi sadarkah kamu, semenarik apapun spring itu, sebelumnya kita melewati winter?

Many people love winter. Tapi untukku, it's a love-hate feeling. I love the foods we usually enjoy during witnter. Hot marshmallow chocolate, soups, hot stuffs. Lots of blankets and cozy pillows. Christmas lights, carols. But the weather are cold, it's freezing. Kita tidak bisa dengan bebas bergerak.

Berbeda lagi dengan summer. Hot, bright sun, even more colorful colors everywhere. Tanned skin, ponytails, "short" fashion, holidays, fun stuffs! People started to go surfing, oceans, beaches, ah I really like summer. Many fun things usually happen on summer.

But then we met fall. The quiet time of the year. Banyak yang gasuka fall, tapi I like it. It's like a break of all the colors and all the hype. Ginger, pumpkin all all those cinnamon season. It's spicy but yet warming at the same time. All the bright colors starting to fade away, until it all turns white in winter.

Don't you know that our life is just like the season. Ada masa masa pedas nya, masa dinginnya, masa perhentian, dan masa berekspresinya. Ada kalanya hidup membawa kita menghadapi kelam dan pedas nya tantangan, dinginnya malam yang membuat kita hanya bisa diam tenang. Namun juga ada masanya kita untuk bergerak, untuk mengekspresikan diri kita. People are also like season. The come, and then they go. They have to in order to bring on the new season. Sometimes it leaves the evidence behind, but sooner or later, it will fade away. But do you know someone who never change? GOD :)

It's cliche, I know. It's so overrated, I know. But don't you realize that it is what it is. He never changes, He never leaves. In fact, He's like all season compile into one perfect being. He is full of expression. He expresses His love, His grace, His mercy that sometimes we don't get why we receive it. He's like the spring that softens the winter, and brings color after the cold. Rain upon the lonely heart, so it will start to bloom with flowers. He is like the summer, so much fun! He gives us the life that we enjoy. He gave us people that never makes us stop laughing. But He is also like the fall. At times He may seems quiet and still, but He's still there. Sometimes He's spicy as the cinnamon but warming like the ginger. Through its mild taste, we experience comfort.

Life could be confusing as those season changes. But they have to and we cannot do anything about it, except to enjoy and make the best out of every season. Through the cold winter night, make ourselves comfortable beside the warming fire, embrace the mildness in life during the fall, express yourself during the spring, and never fear to have some fun during the summer. But above all else, remember that He is always there through the season. There beside you to enjoy every moments the season brings.

Midnight Thoughts

Hai kawan, kamu sedang apa? Aku tidak bisa tidur nih. Baru saja kembali dari bandara dan tadi sok-sok minum kopi, lalu alhasil beginilah sekarang..wide awake. Kanan ku Chis tertidur pulas. Kiri ku jendela dengan tirai yang sedikit terbuka, pancaran putih lampu teras mengintip dari luar menyerupai bulan terang di langit. Hahahaha kenapa bahasa gue jadi gini. Pasti akibat novel temanku yang aku pinjam. Ya, I read novels now, romantic novels to be exact. Dulu aku suka baca novel, terutama novel romantis. Namun akibat banyaknya novel ababil Indonesia di pasaran, gue jadi males. I started to read inspirational and christian books. Sampai akhirnya aku menemukan buku ini, judul nya masih rahasia. Soalnya aku belum selesai membaca. Nanti yaaa..

Dipikir-pikir, gue itu orang yang gampang di drive banget ya. Baca buku christian yang bahasa Inggris dikit aja, langsung ngocehnya international. Giliran sekarang baca novel Indonesia, bahasa puitis nan indah pun mulai menampakkan suaranya. Tsaaaaaaah apaan sih gua! Terkadang aku juga suka heran, kenapa aku gampang sekali di drive sama situasi. Few days ago, gue lagi galau-galau nya bisa post tulisan yang mendekati desprate. Reblog postingan sedih dan miris di Tumblr. Giliran sekarang biasa aja, yaa, biasa aja. Ah heran. I'm still figuring out whether this is a blessing or a curse or just a bad habit. Karena kelabilan yang masih gue struggle to reduce until now, often times I made the decisions that I shouldn't and ended up regretting it all.

Dan hal hal yang disesali adalah hal yang terkadang sepele. Aku menyesal kenapa makan gorengan daripada minum teh saja. Aku menyesal mengapa tidak mencatat power point saja ketimbang main hape. Aku menyesal mengapa dulu terlalu membuka diri pada dia. Aku menyesal mengapa dulu aku terlalu emosi kepada suatu hal yang..sebenarnya tak ada. Aku menyesal mengapa tidak menyapa, tidak ngajak ngobrol. Bahkan terkadang, aku suka menyesal akan tulisanku kira-kira seminggu setelah di post di blog ku. 

Aku setuju dengan sayings that says "penyesalan datang terlambat". Sungguh, kalau penyesalan datang diawal, namanya bukan penyesalan. Karena penyesalan datang di penyelesaian *halaaah*. Penyesalan itu terkadang beda tipis dengan intimidasi. Dulu aku tidak tahu bagaimana membedakannya, namun sekarang aku mengerti. Penyesalan datang ketika kita melakukan hal yang sebenarnya di hati kecil kita tahu tidak semestinya kita lakukan. Intimidasi datang ketika kita melakukan hal yang benar. Tau gak kamu, penyesalan datang setiap kali kita jauh dari Tuhan, dan intimidasi itu ada disaat kita sedang deket-deketnya sama Tuhan. Aku banyak mengalami penyesalan. Percayalah, walaupun aku tahu banyak nilai Firman, gak segampang itu ngejalanin nya. I sometimes made bad decisions. Or maybe actually it wasn't a bad decision, but it not the best. Terkadang juga aku bingung apa yang harus aku lakukan saat sedang menyesali sesuatu. Meninggalkan gitu saja? Atau pergi perbaiki kesalahan tersebut? Menurut ku ya, when we do wrong we do right. Kecuali konteks cowok. Aku masih agak ragu dengan ini. Terkadang ingin rasanya datang ke beberapa orang dan mengatakan yang sejujurnya kita sesali, namun terkadang yang kita sesali adalah untuk kita sendiri dan orang lain tidak melakukan hal yang sama. Ah aku jadi bingung. Memang ini mungkin mengapa kita harus melekat dengan Tuhan. Biar Dia saja yang mengarahkan kaki kita, kemana kita harus melangkah. 

 Aku rasa hal yang kita bisa lakukan kalau kita tidak bisa mendatangi orang yang bersangkutan, adalah berdoa dan tidak melakukan hal yang sama. Sejujurnya saat ini aku sedang menyesali satu hal. Aku menyesali karena telah bersikap dingin dan emosional terhadap seseorang. Lucunya, terhadap dua orang yang sempat mewarnai beberapa bulan 2013 ku. Aku ingin mengulang waktu, asli, I really really do. Ingin kembali ke waktu itu dan menahan emosi yang ujungnya menyakiti. Ingin kembali ke waktu itu, dan lebih berani menyapa nya atau sekedar memberi senyuman. Ingin rasanya menarik setiap kata-kata yang dulu kulontarkan yang akhirnya sangat sia-sia. Andai mereka tahu. Ah mereka pasti tahu, kalau mereka membaca post ini. 

Aku 3 hari yang lalu sakit flu. Lalu seorang teman manis mengirim capture-an tweet lama nya, 

Seorang berkata 'Jika jatuh sakit dan dikabarkan mengalami kangen, cobalah cek kepada perasaan, sedalam apa rasa yang ada?'

Tentu kaget lah ya baca nya. Dia langsung berkata untuk aku tidak masukin di hati. Of course, tapi gue jadi berpikir. Sejujurnya mengapa kita jatuh sakit? Bukan karena sistem imun kita yang lemah, atau pun tubuh kita yang cacat. No, I believe God wouldn't let us sick in the first place. That's why He gave us this amazing and brilliant body that can figure out how to cure itself. Tapi kenapa kita jatuh sakit. Sesimple, we did something too much. Keluar malam boleh, namun sampai terlalu lama kehujanan? Pastilah jatuh sakit. Menangis boleh, tetapi terlalu lama menangis? Sakit mata. So if we got sick, it must've been a feeling we overfeed that lead us to a weak body. Our body is controlled by our mind, and our mind is controlled by our heart. It's true what the Bible say. Let all the good things, pure things, things that are holy, all of that yang harus ada di hati kita, sehingga singgah di pikiran kita, sampai akhirnya mengahsilkan tubuh dan tindakan yang baik pula. Senang tidak boleh berlebihan, sedih tidak boleh berlebihan. Dan kurasa, menyesal juga tidak boleh berlebihan.

Apapun yang aku sesali ini, sudah kuletakkan dibawah kaki Kristus. Dia yang berjanji akan merancangkan-rancangkan itu semua menjadi kebaikan, kepada mereka yang mengasihiNya. Aku mengasihiNya dan tak akan aku lakukan hal yang sama. Kepada mereka yang menjadi korban hal-hal yang kusesali, ketahuilah aku tidak bermaksud. Mungkin aku bermaksud, namun maksud ku itu salah. Aku suka emosionil, aku suka berlebihan dalam merasa, aku suka berlebihan dalam hal memberi, dan aku suka melakukan hal-hal ceroboh dan aku masih labil. Maaf bila kamu illfill atau kamu terganggu atas tindakan-tindakan ku dulu. I wish I could repay it, sungguh. Gak ada manusia yang senang kalau hal yang ia sesali tidak diperbaiki. Namun in this stage, it is impossible for me to come and tell you in person. I, too, am sick of this kode-kodean. But sometimes, at times like this, it's best for us to keep silent. Pesanku, let's forget about the past and start something new. Aku pun ingin memulai lembaran yang baru. Mari kita buang lembaran yang dahulu, atau kalau mau disimpan di lemari juga boleh. Aku tidak ingin lagi menyesal terhadap hal-hal yang sama. Semoga aku mendapat kekuatan untuk tidak melakukan hal-hal bodoh itu lagi. 

Ah sudah malam. Mari tidur.

Letting Go

 

Life is about getting and releasing. Setuju gak? Kita mendapat ilmu, kita memberi skill saat kerja. Kita dapat gaji, kita berikan gaji kita untuk hal-hal seperti makan, minum, bayar kostan, dan sebagainya.  Gue inget banget waktu itu lagi kaya raya dompet gue, dan dengan segala kekhilafan, habislah duit gue dalam sekejap. Satu sisi gue seneng karena uang itu gue pake for something that I like and I really want, tapi di sisi lain sedih, karena I just lost something valued that was once mine.

In this life, we will face the choices of either letting something go and receiving something new. When we let go something yang sempat nyantol di hati kita, pasti rasanya beda. It'll be harder, lebih berat, lebih susah dan lebih membekas. You will know something is so precious when you let it go. It's a fact. Until know, gue belom penah nemuin cure yang mempan selain bertahan. Staying strong through the time and process we are in. 

I know it's going to be a long, long, and slow ride. And I'll learn to cherish every moment that stops by.

Tentang Hati

Hi guys, gue sekarang lagi mulai sesuatu yang baru. Yaitu audio-blog. Hope you enjoy it :)

Tentang Hati :)

Born to Lead

Tadi pagi di my quite time, I was reading a very very very very very good book called A Woman God Can Use by Allice Matthews. The chapter I was studying on was about Deborah and Jael, woman in the Bible who deliver God's voice to the Israelites and a regular housewives which brought peace for 40 years. The story goes like this..

It's been years since the Israelites stayed at Canaan, it's been decades since the moment when Joshua and the boys took over Jericho and its people. There are no kings nor queens, but there are judges. Judges are those people yang menyampaikan pesannya Tuhan (atau dalam kata lain menjadi perantara Nya) dan menjadi hakim bagi orang-orang Israel dalam mengadili bila ada yang berbuat dosa. Highly respected people in which people would listen to. Deborah are one of those judges and a very good one. She aren't just a judge, she was also a housewife. She was married to a man called Lappidoth. A one woman man, balancing her life between God's representative and a Proverbs 31. During her time, the Israelites has done evil things in the Lord's sight, so He let King Jabin of Hazor--a Canaanite king--to take over them with the help of his commander Sisera which "..ruthelessly oppressed the Israelites for twenty years. Then the people of Israel cried out to the Lord for help. (Jdg. 4:3b)" So one day, Deborah called Barak son of Abinoam--the military general--and told him:

“The Lord, the God of Israel, commands you: ‘Go, take with you ten thousand men of Naphtali and Zebulunand lead them up to Mount Tabor.  I will lead Sisera, the commander of Jabin’s army, with his chariots and his troops to the Kishon River and give him into your hands.’" (v.6-7)

Hearing this, Barak said to her "I will go, but only if you go with me." and she said

“Certainly I will go with you,” said Deborah. “But because of the course you are taking, the honor will not be yours, for the Lord will deliver Sisera into the hands of a woman.” (v.9)

Long story short, it was time for battle. Barak vs. Sisera. Of course God was on the Israelites side, but He made a twist in this story. Sisera was not killed by Barak, God let him flee away and ran to Jael--wife of Heber the Kenite, which were close buddies with King Jabin--and rest there. Little did he know, Heber was the descendant of Moses' brother in law and the couple fear the Lord. Jael told Sisera to just go and rest, if someone came to look for him, she will lie. But of course that didn't happened. The moment Sisera fell asleep, Jael took a hammer from the house and killed him. Even the New English Bible precisely described that Sisera's brained oozed out on the ground and his limbs twitching as he died." 

What captured to me most about this story is how both Deborah and Jael has done well the Lord's task for them. Deborah uses her gifts with humility--she even done both jobs as housewives and ministry equally--and Jael done what is right even though her family were buddies with the enemies of the Lord.

Pernah gak kamu merasa dianggap kecil sebagai perempuan? Bukan kecil as in short loh yaa..but more like being put aside from everyone else because you're a woman. In today's era it's true that woman's right are equal to men's, but still we can't deny that there still are lots of discrimination activities towards woman. And that happens within themselves, inside their minds. The battle is no more between men and woman, but the woman and their thoughts.

Maybe right now you're in the midst of dilemma of doing what is right or maybe in leading someone or some group. I know how it felt because I've been there. I was a brave chick, let me tell ya. But in terms of leading or making decisions, I was just brave sebatas pikiran saja. In terms of doing it, I turned coward. But the story of these 2 ladies in the Bible changed my perception about a leading woman.

Deborah and Jael both are not a control-freak nor a dominant leader. They both are housewives. Even though Deborah was a leader, she didn't act herself like the boss. When she told Barak to prepare for war, it wasn't her that tag along, Barak ask her to join him. She didn't take the man's part, even though I believe that she knew she needed to come along. Barak pun juga menghormati otoritas yang diberikan Tuhan kepada Deborah. Barak knew that the lady he is talking to is a judge, and he was humble enough when Deborah told him that Sisera will fall in the hands of a woman. Deborah also thought us to equally lived both our family life and ministry life equally. God are always number one, but ministry isn't. If ministry somehow ruined your family-life, then you're not doing it right.

 Jael also did her part well. She wasn't afraid of doing the right thing, even though it could somehow "mencoreng nama baik" keluarga nya. She knew that this is the Lord's will, and because it's the Lord's, she quickly obeyed and bravely slayed Sisera.

What is your 'Sisera' today? Is it your study? Your task at office? Your friends? Tawaran untuk melakukan hal yang gak baik? The challenge of living abalance life? Or maybe it's your own thoughts? Thoughts that distracts you and manipulate you to do God's will?

It's time to conquer your Siseras, and be today's Deborah and Jael. Find courage in the Lord and live out His calling for you :)

  Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9 NIV

 

Back to Life, again.

As for this post, I want to tell a personal testimony that I haven't tell anyone before. Hope you're blessed by it :)

2014 has been a huge start for me, and the first 2 weeks has been the most challenging and moment paling menentukan dalam sejarah kehidupan saya. Not all Christian life go smooth and clean, even the most "holy" people at church could fall. The last semester of 2013 are unexpectedly the biggest fall-out season for me. Ever since I entered college life, pretty much most of my life changed. The amount of people I see, the amount of time that I spent with them, and the decrease of my alone time with God. Like most people, even though I'm a lifetime church-kind-of-girl, I tend to be easily influenced by others. Since August until October, I totally changed. Little by little I started to slow my pace in the run. I met the wrong people, the wrong guy, the wrong mind-set, and the wrong response. Hubungan sama Tuhan pun jadi stuck, because I no longer run fast or maybe even worst, I didn't run at all. Hal paling menyeramkan dari semua ini adalah I didn't realize that I was slowing down. I got into a wrong relationship with guys (yes guys in plural term) which makes me forget about my covenant with God. It all happened so fast! The relationship with Him that was once blooming so bright, suddenly withers. It all affects my grade, my performance at school, even my ministry. It's the biggest fall I've ever been to. Even I changed personally. The sacred-kind-of-girl is now the-on-going bad girl who flirts with different guys in the same time. It's awful, it's hideous, it's not worth the preach. I became just like David who are so intimate with God, but because of one flirt with Bathsheba, he changed from a Francis Chan to a complete Jersey Shore. Aku buka celah, I opened the windows of my heart for Satan to take a peak inside and finally entered in. I wasn't aware of this change until my sister came up to me and talk about it. She sees my changes and know that it isn't holy, so she tells me about it. She even dreamed that I can't do my ministries ever again. Plus seeing how bad my grades are, I repent....but not fully. I realize that my college life had been a huge mistake. My friends and the guy(s) has made a bad influence in my life. So I started to slowly jaga jarak sama mereka, I started to build again the broken temple in my heart and pieces by pieces, I start to be inline with Him again. 

I finally ngalamin apa yang di Firman Tuhan dibilang, Tuhan akan mengembalikan apa yang dicuri Iblis selama ini. And yes it happens! My grades are also unexpectedly make some changes. I got good grades, even beyond what I hope it to be. My relationship with God has been so amazingly different. It's like a fulfillment of the missing semester with Him, restored in 2 week period. Even though the struggles are hard, but God has really guided me the so I could catch up the race that I once was left behind. The path to that fulfillment isn't easy. There are some things that I have to sacrifice in order to gain Him back. I sacrificed the things that I thought worth-cherished, and replace it with the unchangeable..Jesus. It is when we shoo Satan and all his lies and invite Jesus again in our hearts, we are complete. Nothing holding us back and nothing more that we hold on to except Him. Change, Commit, and Complete. First we need to change out mindset, our bad life, we have to let it all go. And then we commit to Him, commit to stay in the relationship with Him in all situations, at all times. And finally, my friends, we are complete. 

After the restoring of my relationship with God, I became stronger than ever. Maybe di lain kesempatan I will share the first EPIC 2 weeks of 2014. But what I'm trying to say is, Jesus is enough. Never change, never sacrifice Him for an earthly desires. And even if you have fallen, remember that He's always there to pick you up, if you let Him took you away from the pit. You gotta get out of that pit! No pain, no gain. You won't gain anything if you don't feel the pain (sacrificing your earthly desires, which actually will only hurt the flesh). I finally am back to life, again. And it's true what the song down below said, He is enough.

Keep on running, never take it slow. Fighting! :)

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