As human beings, pasti kita pernah melakukan kesalahan. Pasti kita pernah do stupid things. Things yang seharusnya gak kita lakukan.
This year is my last year before my twenty series. It's been a long time since I blogged. The reason is, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Ada banyak hal terjadi 19 tahun belakangan. I experience a lot of love, a lot of laugh, tears, hellos, Goodbyes, hate, disapointments. And most of what I feel, I kept them inside. It's not that I cherish them, I mean of coirse I do, but sometimes I kept them because..I'm afraid. Afraid of what people will think, afraid of what I feel. I learn how store it up all inside. But then I realized, that the things I kept to myself is going to grow rotten inside. I thought by keeping it all inside, I make a brand new start. When in fact, I didn't actually go anywhere.
I got scared of telling the truth that I'm broken, I'm hurt, I'm desprate.
Then I got this thinking of how I would die. Believing that I'm going to die soon. And then I just can't imagine what will it feels like it to be a dead woman with things hidden inside. I guess that's when God came in. He made it so easy for me to walk through it.
It's not easy for me to handle disapointments or regrets. Never a day in my life, I breathe without remembering stupid things that I've done. Remembering what makes me cry for nights. But I came to realized that, I don't want to hide anything anymore. I don't want to carry these burdens ever again. I learned how to let go. I learn how to let go of the grab. Even though still there are things that I don'tunderstand why it happened, but I learn how to believe that it will bring me good.
I hate how disapointments can ruin a person's life. How it can stay in one's heart, and lie that he is all alone. When actually hate and disapointments just isolated all the doors of a person's life. Making him feel all alone when actually, he is the one who closes himself to everyone.
Freedom is about being able to forgive. I forgive myself so that I would allow God to forgive me.
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